


Brother

by barakitten



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Sad, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-03
Updated: 2016-06-03
Packaged: 2018-07-12 02:35:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7081261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barakitten/pseuds/barakitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>one shot about alex thinking about his brother</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brother

_Brother, why'd you have to go?  
You left us all so soon _

I take a deep breath, staring up at the ceiling while touching the skin of my left hand lightly. The pencil I had been using was thrown down onto the paper, a few stray tears leaking from my eyes and landing on the scribbled paper. The door of the back of the bus was closed and locked, meaning that no one could barge in on me and interrupt my writing at almost 2 AM.

 _"With so much left to do, you'll be missing out.. and we'll be missing you._ Fuck," more tears streak down my face, so I close my eyes and shove my face into my hands. The song was drastically different from the last time I tried writing about this, this one more hopeful and upbeat. _Lullabies_ ended up pouring out of me and becoming a bit more personal than I intended it to, but I came to terms with it and decided that some kids out there might hear it and feel less alone with their emotions. This one though...

I harshly rub my hands over my face, smearing the salt water everywhere possible. I could feel my mind being overtaken slowly by the black and blue that I've become used to. The colors swirl around and finally settle throughout my head and move down into my chest. The feeling is suffocating.

_So I prayed and prayed but the hurt won't go away  
_ _The pain gets worse, it never stops_

My deep breaths seem to get stuck and I feel like all of the air around me is getting sucked away by a vacuum. My body doubles over of its own accord, a harsh sound falling from my lips. I push my head into the space in front of my crossed legs and clutch the back of my head. My face contorts with the sobs begging to be released from my chest. Shakes ripple through my body, and I can barely just reach for my headphones to plug them into my phone. Fingers press a few buttons accidentally, making it feel like forever until I get to the playlist I need. The first notes from  _Adam's Song_  blasts loudly through my head, and I immediately press the skip button. I can't handle that right now. 

I steady my breathing through the next two songs, _Fifteen Fathoms, Counting_ and _The Calm._  The black and blue are hardly fading, so I play those two songs repeatedly until my head and chest are once again a dull gray. The gray settled into my bones shortly after Tom left. It hasn't gone away.

It's an absence, an emptiness. I have a black hole devoid of stars in my body and it swallows any emotion I have. It's a watercolored mess and I'm the paintbrush.

 _Why did you leave?_  
Why did you die?  
_You finally made your brother cry_

"Alex," I sigh, my wretched sounds must have woken him up. I slowly raise my head from the couch and cross the small room shakily to unlock the sliding door. A disheveled, concerned looking Rian stands before me, and I sigh as he automatically extends his arms. My body flops into his and I close my eyes as I take in his caring gesture. "Love you, Lex," he whispers. The gray gets fainter as we embrace and my head clears slightly.

"Love you, too," I run my fingers over my left hand behind Rian's head once more, sinking deep into thought. My mind wonders back to the newly finished song, and I consider showing it to Ri. And after that, releasing it. Hoping fans and anyone else won't have to suffer through feelings or losing a loved one. I open my mouth, muttering into his shoulder. "No homo, though."

 _No more laughs,_  
No more hugs,  
 _So hold on to the ones you love_

_Your soul is free,  
I love you_

 

 

**_(I have no knowledge of anything that happened to Tom Gaskarth except that he did pass away. I made this up and I randomly thought of the idea of the plot. Obviously, none of this happened, that I know of, and I don't intend for it to sound like I was trying to guess what happened to him or how Alex feels. Just a heads up. And I incorporated the songs I listen to when I cry/have an anxiety attack. This also turned out way different than I thought it was going to be. I might add more onto it later.)_ **


End file.
